Hope

One of my new year's resolutions, if you will, was to be more honest when someone asked me how I was doing. I can usually just put on a happy face, and say, "I'm so fantastic!!" But for the past few months, that has been a bold faced lie. I am not fine. I'm living in a crazy world, and I feel like I will never be able to find my way back to the top of my life. It is dark, and scary, and I am doing everything I can possibly do. I have so many thoughts in my head, I don't know if I'm actually thinking them, or if I'm being guided. I find myself driving deep in meditation, listening to hymns to be sure that I'll know what to do. I am terrified for what the future holds, but I know that I can get through it. I'll come out stronger, and closer to my Father in Heaven. I know that as I rely on Him, and put all my faith in Him. I will be able to get back on top of my life. These posts are probably going to get a lot more personal then all of you are used to, so be prepared. The last year of my life has been one of the hardest I can remember. It started out pretty great in January, then onto a pretty great February, March and April. May comes and all of my sisters are in a terrible car accident. Which was more emotionally devistating to me than anything. As I was getting over that, I found out that it is very hard for me to have kids. Blow number two. All my life all that I wanted to be was a mom, and to have someone tell you that the chances of you having kids is slim to none. That is a lot to take in. Only this is physical and emotional pain. The next blow to my life came in September. This caused the most emotional pain I can ever remember. It literally threw me for a loop. I am still working through the latest blow. I know that I will be able to, but for now, it is daily emotional pain. The damage done by the latest trial in my life has been the hardest to repair. I am working through it, but it is going to take some time. So for everyone who wishes to know how I am, I am not fine. I'm damaged almost to the point of no repair, and life is fairly difficult. I know it will get better, I don't need you to tell me that, just tell me you love me. I'll get back to being fantastic as soon as I am able, but believe me, I miss it more then anyone else. To top off the worst year of my life, my family got a puppy for Christmas, and we had to put him down due to a condition known as parvo. It is a terrrible disease that kills animals, and there is nothing one can do to help. I know I sound like a complainer, but I just felt like getting it all out in the open. This year will be better, I just have to get through the storm.